Channeling Supermoms: What defines wonderful mothers? They’re the ones we can’t forget

Here’s my original response to the question, which has been excerpted:

I’ve been lucky to have been surrounded by many amazing mothers, notably my own! I recently was “found” on Facebook by a friend from my neighborhood in elementary school and as much as I remember her, I remember her mother even more clearly, who was the first French person I think I’d ever met.  Unlike so many immigrants in the early 1970s, this mom wasn’t trying to blend in or give in to the pressure of her children to be like everyone else.  Her husband was an all-American guy from Indiana, and I don’t recall anything French about him, except his wife.  Unlike most other moms, who came outside in a housedress or sweatpants and curlers and who considered a special meal a Salisbury steak TV dinner, Bernadette (I can’t believe I remember her name!) always looked fashionable, wore light make-up and heels in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day, made gorgeous French dinners, and never, ever spoke English with her children.  Now I realize that I often positioned myself to play at their house before dinner so that I could see what they were having and possibly be invited to stay over.  (Although my mom also cooked full Persian meals, never cutting corners with frozen food.)  More importantly, now I realize that I was influenced by how exotic and glamorous and interesting she was, at the same time that she was friendly and funny and totally down-to-earth.  I never thought of this before, but her example might have planted a seed for my own interest in learning French, in travelling and in becoming “that” mom that was not afraid to be herself, while also really interested in her kids and her neighborhood.

My mom and her friend, fellow adult college students ca. 1975

Then I wrote her a clarification:

I want to add that my telling this story is NOT TO FEED the French Parenting frenzy!!  I realized later that this might give such an impression.  My point here was not the mother’s “French-ness,” but rather her poise and pride in who she was – different from most others in her setting – that made such an impression on me.  (Also, it’s more similar to my own mother’s experience.  These were the two immigrant mothers in the neighborhood at the time, and my mother also carried (and continue to do so) herself with grace and was a great cook – even on weeknights.  So it may have also validated my own mother’s different-ness.

Didn’t want to analyze myself here, but just clarifying that I hope it doesn’t come across as a French Parents Are Superior nostalgia!

Time's Cover - Hoping to Fuel the Mommy Wars

I also found it interesting that this story ran in the syndicated Tribune shortly before Time Magazine’s incendiary cover photo titled “Are You Mom Enough” with a gorgeous young mom breastfeeding her almost-4 year old.  The actual story was about Dr. Sears’ attachment parenting approach, but the cover was intended to sell magazines, fanning the flames of media-manufactured mommy-wars.  Can you tell how I feel about that so-called controversy?

Look at lists of “100 Things to Do Before You Die,” and you’ll find them dominated by exotic sensations of one kind or another (“Skydive”; “Shower in a waterfall”; “Eat jellied eels from a stall in London”).

Really? This is the best we can do? This is what it’s all about? These are the things that make our lives worth living? When I think about what really makes me happy, what I really crave, I come up with a very different list: concentrated, purposeful work, especially creative work; being with people I love; feeling like I’m part of something larger. Meaning, connectedness, doing strenuously what you do well: not sights, not thrills, and not even pleasures, as welcome as they are. Not passivity, not letting the world come in and tickle you, but creativity, curiosity, altruism, engagement, craft. Raising children, or teaching students, or hanging out with friends. Playing music, not listening to it. Making things, or making them happen. Thinking hard and feeling deeply.

None of which involve spending money, except in an ancillary way. None of which, in other words, are consumer experiences.

One thing I’d add to the experiences that don’t involve material pursuits : if you CAN experience them while exploring a new culture, eating jellied eels from a stall [anywhere], then that might be the definition of awesome. The point is, look for opportunities to find meaning and connection wherever you are, mindfully and contentedly, feeding your soul.  In the world and times in which we live, the possibilities are unlimited and start with an open mind and heart.

Parenting 2.0: Raising A Compassionate, Innovative Citizen Of The World, Not The ‘Next Steve Jobs

Then I was honored that GOOD.is published my piece: Why I’m Trying Not to Raise the Next Steve Jobs.  Their Education Editor extraordinaire, Liz Dwyer, sought a a more personal approach, and if you know my dear dad, it might give you a smile.  (Post updated 5/7/12)

And if you see this, Tony, it was great to see you at the wonderful #TEDxNYED!

“Of 1,424 teachers surveyed by the study, 1,366 were white, eight were black and six were Hispanic. Students, the study says, “must see black, Hispanic, Indian or other people of color who speak fluent German and can serve as role models.”  

With so much in the news about Chinese economic growth and Spanish-speaking immigration and demographic trends, in addition to our natural historic and geographic ties with Latin America, these two languages represent the fastest-growing, and the most-studied second languages, respectively.  French is the second-most studied.  When the teachers make an effort to show actual people of color and ethnic minorities studying German or speaking German, students from diverse backgrounds do start to sign up, the article points out.  This shows something I’ve been writing about, basically, that kids will follow an example adults set.  If they see it, they can start to be it.

Maybe because I don’t speak German and haven’t studied it, but I have studied each of the other languages mentioned here, that I don’t feel too nostalgic for the diminishing of German instruction.  Furthermore, when budgets, time and staff are tight, tough choices need to be made, and they need to go in pragmatic directions.  The reach of German language simply is more limited than that of Spanish, my first recommendation of a language for American kids.  Of course, the more languages taught, the better, as choice of language learning is based on so many factors.  The fewer choices in language instruction, the more limited our view of the world becomes.  At this time, there is no one, particular language that a citizen of the world MUST know, other than the language of friendship, discovery, and openness to new cultures and ideas.  What do you think about the dwindling presence of German language instruction in American schools?

How do you bring the world to your child and bring your child to the world?

It’s a great question, and particularly for wonderful Brooklyn, where so many cultures come together in one packed community.  The world has already, famously, come to them.  So, some people in the area have justifiably asked: “Why do I need to go to this? We’re already global; that’s something for other communities.”

In response, one of the wise Brooklyn “global” educators responded:

I have the feeling that most of us believe that because we are exposing our children to a second or third language, we are raising our kids globally. This is not realistic, in my opinion! Being global transcends social boundaries and cultures. Through the addition of another language, we are expanding our children’s brain’s agility and being exposed to another culture, but we are certainly not raising global children.

So my queston is: what does it mean to be global in NYC? Can the same definition be applied to communities in France, England, South Africa, Beijing…

Even if you live in a highly diverse community, does that automatically make you a “friend to the whole human race?”  Is this diversity reflected among your friends and weekly interactions and experiences? Is there an authentic, natural relationship that you and your children build with the “world” that lives alongside you?  And how do you guard against acquiring an elitist attitude that might come from your multi-lingual, cosmopolitan life?  This is the opposite challenge for most of the rest of the United States, which is part of what makes Brooklyn so special; but like one who has a great talent, she needs to be aware that the gift doesn’t become a source of arrogance or a barrier to really growing and serving the world by using that natural gift to benefit a greater good.

These are big and mysterious questions – I look forward to kicking these around much more!

Today is the start of a New Year, coming a day after Naw Ruz, the first day of spring in the Persian, Zoroastrian and Bahai calendars.  Sophia and I started the year in honor of slain Trayvon Martin.  At 8 years old, she thought it was important that we take this picture.  Yesterday was the Million Hoodie March, and the under-the-radar International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination.  My friend Liz Dwyer wrote eloquently, powerfully and personally about this horrible injustice for GOOD.is in “Trayvon Martin Could Have Been One of My Kids.”  And black parents all over the U.S. are feeling really worried about letting their boys outside to do anything.

Our skin doesn’t have to have the same pigment as Trayvon’s, nor do I need to be the mother of boys to care deeply about this.  All the talk I do about global citizenship translates into an important principle: we are one human family.  If we are one family, then Trayvon’s unnecessary death is all of our problem – he could have been one of my kids, too. This makes it hit closer to home, and it should. One good I can take from the tragedy: I see him as a martyr for racial healing, and am grateful that the conversation is taking place all over the country, and all over the internet.  Perhaps this New Year will mark the turning point for racial justice, solidarity, and oneness. I hope so.

It’s Not Black or White: The Teachable Moments in #KONY2012

“Like so many parents of a child with a Facebook account, I learned about Joseph Kony within hours of Invisible Children’s KONY2012 internet film release from my indignant teen-age daughter who promptly changed her profile picture in support of the campaign.  These days that’s about the cause equivalent of going “Facebook official” in a romantic relationship, proclaiming your commitment to the world.

The next day I gave a talk to faculty and staff at a school in New York City.  In the context of educating global citizens with competencies for the 21^st Century, I brought up the power of teaching with social media to integrate their digital lives with their school learning, and mentioned the viral example of #KONY2012, fresh in my mind.  The middle school dean’s hand shot up.  He shared that he had just been contacted by three students who wanted to discuss how their school would respond to the campaign to stop this warlord.

Thanks to millions of young people like these, the twenty-nine minute documentary about a conflict and region in the world most of its teen viewers had never heard of, became the most viral video ever made.

As the video points out, when we know, we can care.  If we don’t know about the situation, how can we care?  But knowledge also brings with it responsibility.  And skewed information targeting the emotions of kids who yearn to make a difference in the world can be dangerous.  IC’s approach in KONY2012 is far from perfect, and criticisms citing the hubris of the campaign, messy financials, strategic short-sightedness, geographic misrepresentation, and oversimplification have spurred a vigorous global debate as well as important clarification from IC leaders.

As we see, the issues aren’t so simple, like black and white.  And empowerment doesn’t flow simply from white to black.  Our children feel outrage over violence and injustice, regardless the skin color of the victims, perpetrators, negotiators, donors or activists.  Through action they can learn that compassion is distinct from pity.

As this story unfolds, we see pushback to the criticisms growing, as reflected in Nicholas Kristof’s eloquent Op-Ed.  Filmmaking has become an interactive experience, and so has viewing and reading.  Audiences can curate diverse perspectives on the story, and then create their own responses which also are dynamic.  This turns into an empowered, creative, iterative learning process ideal for today’s youth, the “digital natives.”  The adults in their lives – teachers, parents, Lady Gaga or Rainn Wilson’s Twitterfeed – can help guide, even if imperfectly.  Every criticism of the film opens a door to recognizing perspectives, investigating the world, communicating ideas and taking action – together these build the Global Competence identified by the Asia Society’s education research.  This is what 21^st Century education starts to look like.

So, whether you celebrate or bemoan the viral #KONY2012, ask questions to spur powerful learning around global competencies:

1. Recognize Perspectives: What is the local Ugandan, or broader African perspective?  Thoughtful insights and approaches have been developed from the people who have been living with this crisis, such as this former child soldier’s response here.  Watch this video response from a Ugandan blogger, Rosebell Kagumire here.  Al Jazeera English has a Kony Debate page, which includes “Uganda Speaks” spotlighting local opinions.  Afripop has compiled a list of responses by Africans here and there’s one on Boing Boing. Step back and consider: What assumptions do you make about the people shown in the video?  For example, the children in Uganda aren’t simply victims.  They are also complex, intelligent, creative, resilient, empathic, intelligent survivors.  One subtle point I appreciated in the KONY2012 film was the reference to their “friends.”  Jacob in Uganda is known to the filmmaker Jason’s young son in California as their friend.  A young American woman speaking passionately to a packed audience of peers describes “I have friends who have been living in this conflict their entire life.”  Again, they are her friends.  If we see these children as our friends, not merely as a mass of victims, how would our response differ?
2. Communicate Ideas: Why haven’t we paid attention to those voices earlier?  Why did we notice the KONY2012 video the day it posted, but not know about a decades-long conflict?  What lessons do you take away for the next time you want to make a persuasive point?  Stay informed through media originating from Africa or elsewhere; subscribe to blogs that update the story. Participate in conversations virtually and face-to-face.
3. Investigate the World: The war that started in Northern Uganda has spilled over to neighboring countries.  Which ones? Why? This analysis from the International Crisis Group offers a bigger picture.
4. Take Action:  Find your best avenue for involvement, and don’t confine this to donating money.  What social impact organizations’ work are you most comfortable with?  Search Charity Navigator to learn about diverse non-profits and how they manage finances and transparency.  Then, keep talking about it. Share your ideas on your own blog, in comments on other sites, on film or through an organization you can get involved with. When young people (from anywhere) stay engaged with meaningful causes, the course of their lives shifts for the better.  But if this video stirs emotion that gets distracted with the next viral video of a dancing cat, the haters win.

Within 48 hours my daughter removed the KONY2012 image as her profile picture.  I’m glad she’s gained a deeper sense of the complexity of the issue, but sad if she’s disillusioned.  Something had been ignited in her to take a stand for injustice, and that spark needs to be fed, not crushed. Policymakers need to know the strategic complexities, but youth can be idealistic.  I’m grateful for the documentary as well as the debate, and hope we keep talking, exploring, tweeting and sharing about these issues that really matter.

Do you think the #StopKony campaign helps or hurts Central Africa?  What are your take-aways and teachable moments?

The goal: so their school looks good.  So their school will come out on top – again – in public reviews that get published in multiple media outlets which drive real estate prices upwards, and keep the local tax base healthy to pay for the schools.  Fortunately, we haven’t gotten to the point where teacher evaluations are displayed publicly, like New York City, but it feels like an ominous threat.  When the Philadelphia Inquirer publishes the standardized test scores of every school district in Southeast PA and Southern NJ, you bet everyone is scanning to see how their favorites and their rivals are faring. When Newsweek and US News print their top schools and yours makes the list, officials create a large banner to hang over the school entrance, the highway overpass, and the website front page.  When the kids dominate the test, buyers target our school district and pay top dollar for a home here so their kids can attend the “top-rated” schools.  Homes in my neighborhood often sell within one week, for asking price, even during these “tough economic times.”  A friend in real estate told me that families from China are coming to their office with a million dollars in cash to look for a home in our district.  No one told this to my 8 year old, but it’s as if she’s internalized it.

Our school district, like thousands of others in at least 36 states, has invested in an online test prep program called Study Island.  Sophia wants to practice taking tests every night now, and for about the past week, this has been her primary “homework.”  I’m ok with the quality of the program, and realize the kids need to practice how to take the test, in order to level the playing field – if others are practicing then I feel better if my child is prepared, too.  I’d rather not buy in to that thinking, but when your child attends public school, this sort of activity becomes part of the “price” we pay.  Other critiques of the test prep program are found here and here, from a teacher. I also realize that kids in some countries, like Singapore, parts of China and Korea, with some of the best test results in the world, prep even harder than ours.  But I also know that in countries like Finland, the world’s top-rated education system, such testing doesn’t occur until 12th grade, and no teachers, students or schools are judged based on standardized testing.  While the East Asians are increasingly seeking to get out of the anxiety-inducing, creativity-crushing, test-prep culture, we are looking to emulate them.

Exacerbating matters, I found out that our Pennsylvania Governor, Tom Corbett’s “proposed 2012-13 budget calls for a 43 percent increase in funding for educational assessments, to $52 million, even as it keeps school funding generally flat and cuts spending on state-related universities.”  This also comes at a time when our school district is considering imposing fees, like a $50-$100 fee for every club a high schooler will join – an act which won’t bring in much money, but is sure to increase social isolation; and down the street, in struggling Chester-Upland schools, teachers are working without pay.

Yay - the exam secrets revealed!

Last night when Sophia was going to bed, she asked me, almost shaking: “mommy, can we say some prayers so I do ok on the PSSA?”  I said something like “Sure, let’s also say prayers so you feel peace in your heart.  You really don’t need to worry about the test.  You are going to do fine.  Your sisters (8 and 10 years older than her, who were among the first to experience standardized testing, before the frenzy kicked in) never prepared for the test.  They just got enough sleep, had a good breakfast, and went to school happy.  I hope you can do that.  You’re going to be great.  You’re more prepared than anyone I know!”  I don’t think I reassured her much.

This prayer we said helped her more than my pep talk:

O God!  Educate these children.  These children are the plants of Thine orchard, the flowers of Thy meadow, the roses of Thy garden.  Let Thy rain fall upon them; let the Sun of Reality shine upon them with Thy love.  Let Thy breeze refresh them in order that they may be trained, grow and develop, and appear in the utmost beauty.  Thou art the Giver.  Thou art the Compassionate. (From the Baha’i Prayer book)

This is a prayer she’s been singing and saying since she was about three, and last night it took on special significance.  I hope she’ll remember the qualities of beauty, love and inspiration emphasized here. She’ll have enough worries, tests and challenges when she grows up.  For now, the education I really hope she gets emphasizes resilience, curiosity, compassion, and creativity.  These are the qualities our world so badly needs – but are tough to capture when filling in the bubbles.

Has testing taken over at your home? How are you handling it?

Sponsor a child’s education. Even where primary education is offered for free, “hidden costs” prevent kids from attending school. These include the purchase of uniforms, shoes, school supplies like pencils, books, and paper, as well as daytime meals. They usually cost a fraction of what you’d pay in the United States, but any extra strain on a family’s budget might be enough to prohibit a
child’s school attendance—especially a girl’s. Many organizations sponsor children through school, including: Save the Children, Plan USA, Christian Children’s Fund, and others, including those that are specific to a geographic location, like Tibet, South Africa, Cambodia, and in America. Through InvisibleChildren.com sponsor a child from northern Uganda’s war zone to pursue secondary school education. Invisible Children’s documentary film exposes the horrors of war and its impact on children, then offers a youth-oriented outlet to take action. (Growing Up Global, p. 248, emphasis added)

I believe there are so many teachable moments from both sides of the debate.  Stay tuned.  It’s not black or white…

What’s your take on this debate?  Please respond here or join the discussion on Facebook.

Google gets in the spirit of International Women's Day, too

One idea for today and for your families:  think of someone to dedicate your day to.  Each of you think of somebody.  She can be alive or have passed on.  Someone you know personally or only have admired from afar.  Athletic or activist.  American or not.  Celebrated or nearly-forgotten.  Women’s courage near or far, now or then has been powerful.

Talk about this with your children.  Who do you admire?  Why?  What action can you take today as you think about them?  Maybe it’s simply helping out a friend who could use an extra hand/nudge/smile/inclusion at school, or remember to put away their things at home without being asked. Write a letter to grandma or if they’re ready, to your Congress member to remember women, or to a political prisoner through Amnesty International (or just read the powerful stories on Amnesty’s terrific website) – just to say they remember them today.  Or learn about an organization like BRAC or Tahirih Justice or UN Women or Momsrising or GirlUp or Million Moms Challenge for maternal health or countless others.  If we do this consciously, for this special day, it can mean something, and I’ll admit it – it feels good too.

Later today you can tune in to the Livestream of The Daily Beast’s Women in the World Summit.  I’m honored to have been invited as a delegate again and hope to post and tweet updates and impressions from this awesome gathering.